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Name: Ileene
Gender: Female
Interests: A little bit of everything.
Expertise: keeping my expectations low so as not to be dissappointed while at the same time having unreasonably high expectations of myself so as to never be too happy with myself.
***In the many years since i wrote this it's still so true.
Occupation: Starbucks Coffee
Message: message me
Website: visit my website
Member Since:
9/14/2004
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| As time moves on I realize that in many ways I'm still the person I always have been. That is comforting to me. I guess to me it means that I know what I want and I know who I am. Despite the fact that I am never satisfied by myself I am still content to be who I am. I just read my little blurb on my profile and it still is exactly who I am. Strange. I was just talking to a friend about how I can see that I have moderated some of my views on things, and that I am in many ways not as extreme as I once was. Although this is true, I still see that in my core being I am who I always was, and I will continue to be that way. I guess the reason that this comforts me is that it helps me to see that I am proud of the choices I've made and the way I have handled my life. I'm confident that I will not wake up one day and realize I'm not who I thought I could be and I won't wish I had another life. Life comes at you fast, and sometimes its all you can do to keep up, but I'm ok with that. I'm probably the only person I know who is accepting of change. I can embrace it with open arms because I know that it is inevitable. There is nothing you can do to keep it from happening and there is only one thing to do when it does. Go with the flow. Sure, I can stress out a bit, freak out, fall into a funk, but I never fight it. I guess I just don't ever have too much to hold onto anyway. I have learned a lot since I wrote that. But it is amazing to me that in all that I have learned, and in all that I have been exposed to I still am the same way. I guess it's just that easy when you look at things the way I do. I'm not often surprised because I am always expecting surprises. Funny, I guess. All I can say, is that I'm happy for who I am, and I'm happy for what my life has become. I'm attached to only the things that matter the most. Everything else will pass in time and I'm ok with that.
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| Things have been so different for me. Work has been a whole new experience. I love it. It makes me feel good to do what I'm doing. And to be "white collar." It's also inspired me to think about future possibilities. Do I just stay with this company, and move up as it becomes available? Do I work my way through some school? It would take a long time, there's only so much time I can give to that. I guess what I'm saying is that I've been considering ways to better myself. I want to lose weight. I feel so gross right now. Very inadequate and insufficient. I asked Isaac if he would go with me on a walk after work. We can take Jaina in the stroller. I think it's a great idea. It gets us both doing something healthy, and it teaches Jaina to make the time to exercise. That's a big lesson and a big deal because I was never taught that and now I'm trying to introduce it into my life. It's hard to start new things. But I think that this is the time to do that.
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| well, i applied for a new job. i really want it. it's right across the street from my starbucks store. but it would be a salary job with full benefits, paid vacation, and paid holidays. how awesome would that be? i want it so bad. it's just an office assistant job, and i fill all the requirements. i'm praying so hard for it. i would love to do that. i think the jobs i've had so far set me up to be really good for this. we'll see if they want me. they just posted the job today so they're definitely looking for someone. o my goodness i want a new job. especially if i'm making more than i am now. :)
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| BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH.
you know, i really thought that we were past things like this. but whatever. it's ended. it's over. and apparently you wish to see it as something it's not. so fine. i really don't see how i can do anything to make this better. and i don't see how i would ever feel comfortable as your friend after the way you have treated me. so we'll make a truce. i will apologize for the offense, or perhaps i should say offenses because i'm a horrible failure at friendship, and lets just move on our seperate ways. the relationship has been beaten broken and busted, and i respect myself too much to put up with all these attacks. words get twisted, and thoughts are inserted between lines i never wrote. i cannot resolve a situation that is so distorted i am not sure i even know what we're talking about or who's talking. i said i'm done, and i mean it. and i have been nothing but honest in our entire friendship. you however, would do yourself some good if you looked inside you and figured out what you really want and what you really feel. because your story did a double back flip with a twist between here and there. how am i going to defend myself against something that isn't so. and so, with all the grace of a bumbling idiot i withdraw. i am willing to lose in your eyes to just put a stop to all the stupid lies. or at least to stop me from having to hear and deal with them.
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| I'm so hurt right now. it always takes me by surprise when somebody accuses me of being a wishy washy person or a friend only when it's convenient. what's funny is that the people who usually accuse me of these things are so uncertain of themselves and what they are doing in life that i doubt the validity of their accusations. but whether i think they have reason to say it or not, it still hurts. there is so much i want to say. so much i could say but i don't think it would do any good. i was honest. i apologized for whatever mistake i may have made in the past and i thought that we were moving on to become good friends. but apparently i was wrong. and i was only needed because i was the only one around and now that the situation has changed i am no longer a valid friend. i was told i was forgiven. i was told that i was important and that there was a good friendship between us and that it was silly that anything had come between us. and now. now, somehow i am only interested in the relationship if i have anything to gain. and what the hell do i have to gain from a friend i see maybe once in two years? i wanted to be a friend to that person because i value relationships and i enjoyed this person. if that is being selfish or having wrong motives then i apologize. it feels as if this person is even accusing me of feeding on drama. i don't know how they could have come to that conclusion when i said the reason i pulled back last time was to avoid drama. i said so much to clarify that that is not what friendship is to me that i don't know where the confusion could have come from. but somehow, in the end, it came down to this: i'm just not good enough for this person.
in my opinion it looks to me as if the reason you don't want this relationship is because you have nothing to gain. because you know that i will push you to do the right thing, just like you asked me to and you can't handle it. so you don't want me involved. and you will find any ridiculous or unreasonable excuse you can just to make it seem right to you. because you are just so good at that aren't you? lying to yourself. well, that's fine. if you can't handle it, then i'm done. if my friendship is just not worth the accountability that comes with it (which is only because you ASKED) then fine.
I'M DONE.
and i'm hurt.
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